Maybe it’s because I wasn’t the type of girl to plan my wedding, detail by detail, since I could reenact a wedding scene with my Barbies (I didn’t).
Maybe it’s because I don’t have a mother figure in my life telling me what I should expect or… well anything for that matter.
Maybe it’s because I’m a romantic in every other sense of what I should get in life… just not my wedding.
I was reading a blog on A Practical Wedding by my favorite blogger Rachel Wilkerson (The House Always Wins), and she wrote about how apart she feels from the fantasy, reality-tv imposed ideal of wedding planning. There is no champagne or giggles, oohing and ahh-ing at the dress fitting; no champagne and bridal magazine flipping on Saturday mornings. Nothing like that. No bridal montages.
I guess I’m not expecting anything like that myself.
I’m not going to lie. There were scenes in Say Yes to the Dress that made me cry. Ugly cry, slightly whimper, shed a single sad tear, all because I knew I wouldn’t have any kind of moment with my parents as I try on a wedding dress. I even toyed with the idea of getting a white pants suit just so that I can spare myself the ugly reality that I’ll be alone in a bridal salon.
Granted any wedding of mine was never going to be traditional (have you met me?), there are some aspects of a wedding that make me wish I could do somethings “traditional.” Father/daughter dance, perhaps? Sorry to my best friends getting married next year, I absolutely have to leave the room when you do this. I cannot watch a single father/daughter dance without ugly crying and sobbing into the wine I’ll have to have in front of me.
And maybe because I’ve faced this reality for the last almost four/five years before my wedding that I’ve become numb to all the social nuances that go with weddings. Bridal parties? Nixed it. Bridal shower? Please no. Someone walking me down the aisle? Please – we’re doing it together (I find the father walking the daughter down the aisle to be somewhat archaic anyway).
And I hear that most people are really excited to bring everyone together – and that people will come together for a wedding – but I just feel like I’m being an imposition. I feel like I’ll be begging people to come when they’d rather spend their Saturday gardening, sleeping, apple picking, picking noses… anything other than driving an hour and a half to Allegany and back. I feel like I’ll be holding my breath until the day of, waiting to see who deigns to show up. And I feel like I’ll owe people the gas money the spent to get there and a whole bunch of IOU’s for whatever else might come up.
Why we couldn’t elope boils down to a few reasons, and I’m still trying to accept it. Thankfully, even though my photographers are costing me an arm, leg, and the promise of my first born, their work helps fuel some excitement into the prospect of having to go through all these emotions. So even if we’re left in a hall with his parents and my sisters only… they’ll make us look good! 🙂
I imagine these feelings will do one of two things when wedding planning goes into full effect after graduation in December.
1. They will cause me regular panic attacks, followed by streams of tears. Things will be done on the cheap just to get them done. The only thing I want to spend a decent amount of time on (other than myself) is the memorial chair and table we’ll have for our loved ones who “are there” but aren’t.
2. I will be pleasantly surprised by who wants to help and will be so overwhelmed that I will have regular panic attacks about taking advantage of said people, followed by a stream of tears.
At least in scenario two, I’m less likely to wish we had eloped… even after we got married.
I’m so ready for the being married part. About having a Mr. Sam around. I just wish the future-Mr.Sam was down for what I was down for. And if he thinks I’m taking any part in a seating chart, he’s cray.
Maybe it’s all of these things in my life that kept me from dreaming about my perfect wedding. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced so many disappointments when it comes to celebrations in my life that I don’t want to have high expectations for this one.
As of now, all I do know is that this is going to be a long ride until October 5, 2014… the day after the wedding and the madness is behind us.