Pause and rewind.

I decided to take a break from pouring my soul over an array of research. I’m researching a multitude of information on MS for my IMC project that I’m getting the opportunity to redo. Where I’m thankful to have the opportunity to really do a much better job, it also really sucks because I have two other classes that I’m trying to stay on top of.

I’m really fucking tired.

Anyway, because I needed a break before my stress-induced high blood pressure turns into a full blow heart attack, I read up on some blogs. And the blog that inspired me to take some time out to write comes from One Day I’ll Move Out, who wrote about her reflection on how some decisions of the past really helped her become the person she is today. Because I like doing this kind of thing myself, I figured to take a few minutes to do the same thing.

Don’t mind me if there are any mistakes in this blog re: grammar, spelling. (Disclaimer, I’m typing as fast as possible so I can get back to reading.)

But what are some things I think about in terms of those decisions that really catapulted me to my current position?

Giving in and going to Cornell Summer College. I fought my mom on this, a lot! I had NO interest in spending MORE time in school than the 9 months I was already in school. And when I got there, I felt SO behind not even knowing what a thesis was. I pronounced paradigm as pera-dig-um. I cried on the phone to my Dad when I told him that I got a C- on my first college paper. (He told me that he was proud of me. He said he got a C- on his first college paper, too and he was 23 when he did it. I was 15.) I dropped close to 15 pounds in three weeks because I was so socially anxious and wanted nothing more than to be home with my parents (and the temperatures reached the high 90’s with high humidity, so leaving my fan wasn’t appealing) that I barely left the dorm room to eat. Little did I know, those three weeks became a SERIOUS learning experience for me. I became so much more determined to be a better learner that the following year, my junior year of high school, I became a much better student by a 10000%. I wanted to go to a school like Cornell for college SO badly that I found out what I had to do to become better, to be accepted. This kind of ambition was rewarded in many ways except for one… the next inflection.

Not going to Cornell and instead, going to Canisius. I wasn’t outright accepted but I wasn’t outright denied either. I got an option called a “guaranteed transfer,” which meant if I got at least a B in some required courses, I’d be admitted to Cornell after one year at another accredited institution. So I went to Canisius on a scholarship to do just that. Turns out, I’m really, really bad at Biology. Perhaps going into human development studies at Cornell wasn’t for me. But thanks to a general elective, turns out that Communication studies were right up my alley.

Saving money and going to Buffalo State. I decided to transfer when I got my first bill from Canisius. My scholarship only paid out so much and I got a bill for $2K that made me want to give them nothing but the bird and my back. (I know, poor me). So instead I found out a little about the Public Com program at Buff State and found it really was a fit and a guide to a very fulfilling undergraduate career. I’d recommend it to anyone looking to get into Communications. All this and it was so inexpensive, as college degrees go, that the Seneca Nation and financial aid was able to pay for 100% of my remaining 3.5 years in school.

Going to Buffalo State and not being at Cornell. I’m struggling as it is as a 23-year-old with my responsibilities and my school load. If I had been at Cornell considering the standards they hold, I would have been on some rough outs when my parents died, in particular, when Mom died. Mom died the Friday before the semester started. Her funeral was the first day of the semester. That semester was still a struggle, but it was SO much more manageable, especially since my school was a 20 minute walk down the street.

Going to Buffalo State and meeting Mark. Mark is my rock and I don’t know if there’s anyone else in the world who can handle my personality. He is not intimidated by my strong opinions, my lofty ambitions, and my “you don’t tell me, I tell me” persona. The more people I meet in this world, the more I realize how rare a breed this man is.

Staying in Buffalo and learning about Indian Country. I am an ardent advocate in Indian Country (or at least will be). I got this hand up in being able to learn more about contemporary issues in Indian Country by working with my company. Would I have this opportunity if I went to Cornell and studied human development? Probably not.

For how stressed I am, I’m in a really good spot and I try not to forget it. Remembering humility reinforces the passion I have to help others get ahead. Reinforces the passion I have for equality. The only thing that should limit a person to their greatest heights should be themselves, not a single external factor. I can’t help those who won’t help themselves, but if you want help, I’ll be there. These reflections are good to remember why you’re doing what you’re doing, to appreciate where you’ve been and where you could be going.

Time to get back to the grind. I think I’m a third of the way done…. for one project. Cry me a river.

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