In addition to my own topics, I’ll take a stab at keeping up with #resound11, a blogging prompt to help recall and appreciate 2011.
December 1, 2011: What is one word to describe your 2011? Why does that word sum up your year?
I was able to heal this year. I was able to grow without stagnation or disruption from feeling lost or left behind. When Dad died, he died New Years Eve 2008, I spent all of 2009 feeling empty. It’s hard to fill such a hole. The 2009 holidays were significantly different and disheartening. Not one of us were wholly happy. Then in 2010, my Mother died, nearly a year after his death, and the same feeling stayed. I was on my way, I was healing from the loss of my father. Losing her was like scratching at the scab. Almost healed but still delicate enough to be reopened pending circumstance. The holidays in 2010 were cold and dry.
I only speak of the holidays because it is what I’m experiencing now. Of course, a lot of 2009/2010 felt this way.
This time last year, my house remained barren and without any holiday expression. The holidays resonate as a series of happy family moments. Though I had my sisters, fiance, extended family, friends who are family, and friends, nothing could shake me of the feeling that I had no reason to celebrate family seeing as, what I viewed as, the most important pieces of family were missing. The ornaments remained idly by in the basement until just last week.
I am thankful that I have had time to heal. That scab is now a scar, apparent to me. It affects me every time I think about it. But it’s easier to deal with it.
The best part about having this year, this healing time? I see my family. I see the family I have. And I am excited to celebrate the holidays this year. My house was eagerly decorated for the holidays directly proceeding Thanksgiving. Old Nephew family traditions mixed with new Nephew-James traditions were enacted.
And old pre-adolescent-photo-adorned-paper ornament ceremoniously thrown into the garbage can. I reckon that to be the silver lining of not having parents around anymore. I can throw out that picture and no one on this planet has the right to bitch about it. Fist pump!
I could lose my entire savings/wardrobe/anything worth money in my home today, and that loss would feel nothing like what I’ve already experienced.
I am healing and I am a much stronger person having persevered. I’ve been told time and time again of how others would have easily caved. I am proud of the strength instilled and the strength embodied.
I cannot say healed. I don’t know if there will be a time I am wholly healed.
But I am healing and I am thankful. Everything else I have achieved, gained, experienced this year is because I am healing.